Create an account
Writers vs. Writers
found in the pursuit of linguistics: Colorless green ideas sleep…
Writers vs. Writers
"Beneath the rule of men entirely great, the pen is mightier than the sword."
* (1803 - 1873), novelist and member of Parliament.
Deliriums' Sister Communities
Litteratus: A Novel Literati
5th-Oct-2005 04:50 pm
found in the pursuit of linguistics:
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously
6th-Oct-2005 05:44 am (UTC)
? I thought that was the purpose of posting a challenge. :p
you're so crazy. this is beautiful, honey. <3
the only weak part I see is the repetition in the last two lines, and that's a matter of opinion. the rhyming isn't necessary, and contrasts with the rest of the poem in an odd way.
I love how you drew themes of the original sentance through it... ie: how colorless becomes a symbol of newness, of a lack of maturity. also? my absolute favorite part is "sleep that is entirely agressive / too warm, too comfortable to wake"... that image is perfect.
thank you! ^^
6th-Oct-2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
I see your point about the last two lines. They didn't sit quite right with me either. There's something about the repetition I like, but I didn't actually intend to rhyme them. Do you have any ideas for keeping the meaning, but changing the closure? I'm open to insight, though I may take liberties. =) Thanks for really looking at the poem. I don't get that very often and I really appreciate the (constructive) criticism.
6th-Oct-2005 06:39 pm (UTC)
what if I left off the "to be" and "to me" from the last two lines? Would that make it sound weird, or would that improve it? No, then I run into the repetition of the ending seems in line one of that stanza nnd seem in line 3. Perhaps I need a new word, or to further the line. I'm not sure...*still thinking* That's what I get for just letting the poem go without thinking much about it.
Thanks again, Kat. I miss you!
6th-Oct-2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
you're welcome. that's why dawn calls me the red-pen goddess, I suppose. *grins* I can't help it.
Um... you know what? maybe just leave off the "to me"? it gives the last line a bit of choppy finality, which sounds a little more definitive, without running into the repetition of seem as a line ender.
6th-Oct-2005 11:21 pm (UTC)
We wouldn't have our goddess any other way.
6th-Oct-2005 09:02 pm (UTC)
and... I miss you too! we should really keep in contact more :/
Leave a Comment to the Entry
This page was loaded May 27th 2018, 11:18 am GMT.