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Writers vs. Writers
found in the pursuit of linguistics: Colorless green ideas sleep… 
5th-Oct-2005 04:50 pm
is there no intelligent life on earth?
found in the pursuit of linguistics:

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously
Duels 
6th-Oct-2005 05:44 am (UTC)
mind? I thought that was the purpose of posting a challenge. :p

you're so crazy. this is beautiful, honey. <3

the only weak part I see is the repetition in the last two lines, and that's a matter of opinion. the rhyming isn't necessary, and contrasts with the rest of the poem in an odd way.

I love how you drew themes of the original sentance through it... ie: how colorless becomes a symbol of newness, of a lack of maturity. also? my absolute favorite part is "sleep that is entirely agressive / too warm, too comfortable to wake"... that image is perfect.

thank you! ^^
6th-Oct-2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
I see your point about the last two lines. They didn't sit quite right with me either. There's something about the repetition I like, but I didn't actually intend to rhyme them. Do you have any ideas for keeping the meaning, but changing the closure? I'm open to insight, though I may take liberties. =) Thanks for really looking at the poem. I don't get that very often and I really appreciate the (constructive) criticism.
6th-Oct-2005 06:39 pm (UTC)
what if I left off the "to be" and "to me" from the last two lines? Would that make it sound weird, or would that improve it? No, then I run into the repetition of the ending seems in line one of that stanza nnd seem in line 3. Perhaps I need a new word, or to further the line. I'm not sure...*still thinking* That's what I get for just letting the poem go without thinking much about it.

Thanks again, Kat. I miss you!
6th-Oct-2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
you're welcome. that's why dawn calls me the red-pen goddess, I suppose. *grins* I can't help it.

Um... you know what? maybe just leave off the "to me"? it gives the last line a bit of choppy finality, which sounds a little more definitive, without running into the repetition of seem as a line ender.
6th-Oct-2005 11:21 pm (UTC) - Avast!
We wouldn't have our goddess any other way.
6th-Oct-2005 09:02 pm (UTC)
and... I miss you too! we should really keep in contact more :/
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