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Writers vs. Writers
found in the pursuit of linguistics: Colorless green ideas sleep… 
5th-Oct-2005 04:50 pm
is there no intelligent life on earth?
found in the pursuit of linguistics:

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously
6th-Oct-2005 04:20 am (UTC)
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously
unsure of their new birth into the world
such newness stretches the imagination
such tenderness of firstly opening eyes

sleep that is entirely aggressive
too warm, too comfortable to wake
sleep, where all the colors bleed together
and dreams that echo wordless prophecies

how colorless the newborn greenness seems
as it spreads its waking selfness to the air
how delicate these new things seem to be
how delicate their strength appears to me

~rb 10-5-05

Hope you don't mind, I just had to jump on this one. It's been a long time.
6th-Oct-2005 05:44 am (UTC)
mind? I thought that was the purpose of posting a challenge. :p

you're so crazy. this is beautiful, honey. <3

the only weak part I see is the repetition in the last two lines, and that's a matter of opinion. the rhyming isn't necessary, and contrasts with the rest of the poem in an odd way.

I love how you drew themes of the original sentance through it... ie: how colorless becomes a symbol of newness, of a lack of maturity. also? my absolute favorite part is "sleep that is entirely agressive / too warm, too comfortable to wake"... that image is perfect.

thank you! ^^
6th-Oct-2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
I see your point about the last two lines. They didn't sit quite right with me either. There's something about the repetition I like, but I didn't actually intend to rhyme them. Do you have any ideas for keeping the meaning, but changing the closure? I'm open to insight, though I may take liberties. =) Thanks for really looking at the poem. I don't get that very often and I really appreciate the (constructive) criticism.
6th-Oct-2005 06:39 pm (UTC)
what if I left off the "to be" and "to me" from the last two lines? Would that make it sound weird, or would that improve it? No, then I run into the repetition of the ending seems in line one of that stanza nnd seem in line 3. Perhaps I need a new word, or to further the line. I'm not sure...*still thinking* That's what I get for just letting the poem go without thinking much about it.

Thanks again, Kat. I miss you!
6th-Oct-2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
you're welcome. that's why dawn calls me the red-pen goddess, I suppose. *grins* I can't help it.

Um... you know what? maybe just leave off the "to me"? it gives the last line a bit of choppy finality, which sounds a little more definitive, without running into the repetition of seem as a line ender.
6th-Oct-2005 11:21 pm (UTC) - Avast!
We wouldn't have our goddess any other way.
6th-Oct-2005 09:02 pm (UTC)
and... I miss you too! we should really keep in contact more :/
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